What If Your Child Says They’re Gay

What would you do if your son or daughter came home one day and told you they were gay or identified with another gender?  What would you do?

If it came as a complete surprise, you might have difficulty responding well, but your initial response is critical.  I’m reminded of Nehemiah’s prayer to God, when he was caught off guard by a question from the king.  “Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king,” Nehemiah 2:4b-5a. A quick prayer to God for a gracious and wise response would be just the thing right now. Then, try to be a patient, loving listener expressing gratitude for them trusting you enough to tell you.

Take a “posture” of learning, loving and listening.  Remember three things:1) that a disciple is a learner; 2) the greatest command of Jesus is to love God and love others as Christ loved us (Matthew 13:34-35, 22:36-40) and 3) that only a fool gives an answer before he hears (Proverbs 18:13, James 1:19).  Ask open ended questions, actively listen, be compassionate and get a hold of good resources and loving counsel  I recommend: https://postureshift.com/  

Even as you take the time to study resources and get loving counsel, remember that the way you respond can significantly impact your child. Many LGBT+ youth experience suicidal ideation, so you need to care about their safety and show yourself to be a loving parent who will protect them. One father who responded very harshly realized it was increasing suicidality in his son’s life. It was a scary wake-up call. This father said: “I had to decide: do I want a gay son or a dead son. I chose to do everything possible to ensure my son’s safety.”

Your initial engagement and your ongoing “posture” will determine whether you keep or damage their trust in you.  From a missional perspective, long-term proximity is what advances the gospel. Proximity is gained when trust is earned which gives you the relationship to keep building a deeper parent-child bond. 1 Thessalonians 2:7-12

After an initial conversation, many fathers (in particular) go silent, perhaps as one of the stages of grief impacting them – and they assume it would be better for them to be silent rather than express grief or anger or denial. And certainly, silence is better than those emotional responses. However, research shows that after a child takes what could be a huge risk for them to share, they have a lot at stake. Even if an initial conversation goes well, any long-term silence that follows can be interpreted as rejection or a parent being ashamed of them. Ask God for strength to keep showing up with love and genuine care. Regular check-ins and maintaining your loving parent-child routines can ensure their safety and increase openness.

Finally, you don’t need to compromise your theological “position” to take these loving “postures”.  As a matter of fact, it will keep the door open for further relational, gospel conversations as they experience the love of God through you.  Let’s just be sensitive to God’s Spirit and our child’s readiness to have faith conversations, Colossians 4:5-6.