Fathers, Do Not Provoke Your Children

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Christian parents are on a mission to make disciples. Fathers are the designated leaders of this mission, and it is not an easy task. It is impossible when attempted in ones own strength. Can you relate to this feeling? Let’s consider a common obstacle that our children face, how we can remove this obstacle for them, and give them hope in God.

C​onsider the word, exasperate.

H​ave you ever exasperated your child? The ESV translation renders it this way. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Paul gave similar instruction to the Colossians. “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

How Do You Know When You Are Doing This?

There are many examples of what this might look like. You could be overly critical with them, pounding them with demands too heavy for them. You could provoke them with your own anger and tone of voice. Perhaps you aren’t reasonable with them.

Remember how our perfect Heavenly Father invites us to come and reason with Him?

Whichever example describes you best, these are all obstacles keeping your children from knowing the fullness of God’s joy, or seeing His grace within you. I could always tell when I was provoking one of my children. It was often one of my sons. He would become visibly overwhelmed, filled with tears of frustration, even clench his fists and tighten his teeth, not because he wanted to hit me, but because he did not know what to do next, and it was my fault. I’m not excusing their sin, but it is my job to instruct with love, and show my sons and daughters the way out of their sin, not to provoke them and cause frustration.

One way you can tell if your parenting and discipline are exasperating your children is to watch for discouragement and anger in them. That’s what the Scripture says will happen. Are they generally happy around you? Do they enjoy your company? Can you communicate with them, and they with you respectfully? Ask yourself these questions and answer honestly. If the answer is no, then you might be laying a weight on your kids that is crushing them.

H​ow Can I Correct This?

Whether you’ve been doing this for years, or you slip up from time to time, the way forward is repentance and obedience. It is no more of a sin for a child to disobey his father than it is for a father to provoke his child. If you want them to obey you, then you need to obey God too. Show them that Christ and His Word are your greatest authority. Humble yourself beneath the mighty hand of God, and repent of your sin today.

P​aul said that a father is to bring up his children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This is a proactive approach to fathering. To “bring them up” is to nourish them. How are you nourishing your children in the faith? Perhaps you do not do this because you have yet to learn how to nourish yourself in the Lord. Become a self-feeder. Bring yourself before your Father by reading His Word, and seeking Him in regular prayer and worship. Confess your sins to Him and take note of how He treats you in your weaknesses.

Does He provoke you to anger or discouragement? No, he does not.

Christ is good. The Father is perfect in all His admonishments. He never leaves us condemned or frustrated.

T​he next time you find yourself in a disciplinary situation with one of your children, watch for signs of their discouragement and anger. Do not place an obstacle before them. Remove it. No amount of wrath and yelling will effectively accomplish the task you desire to accomplish. Slow down. Breathe. Look to Christ for strength, and intentionally encourage them. Stand firm on the truth, but do not compromise Christ’s character. Develop patterns of self-feeding, humility, and repentance in your own life. The road may be long due to the damage already caused, but the Lord is with you to help you do what is right.

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